My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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