Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I came so hard my ears popped.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
