five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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