Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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