Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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