Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
