woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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