I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
