Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
