two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
