Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
