Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
