Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This is my life. Enjoy the view
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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