so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
