I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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