dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
