We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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