Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
