She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
