would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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