I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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