I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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