lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
