I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
