Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
