Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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