he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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