Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
