I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
