ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
