then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
