remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
