My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
