They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
