Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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