Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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