If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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