smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We need to get me chipped asap
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
