I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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