Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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