I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
