Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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