I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
