grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
