highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
