the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
