I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
