you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
