Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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