I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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